I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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