officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
