He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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