idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
