I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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