It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
