And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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