I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
