She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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