TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
