im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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