Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
