I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
