i need an iv and a liver transplant
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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