I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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