Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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