yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
