I understand why you refuse to be sober now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
