You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
