Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
