she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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