So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
