you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
