The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
