I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
