woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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