I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it's like iHOP with fire
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize