So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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