someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
