chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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