I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
