just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
