Ambien. No doubt about it.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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