What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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