I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
