Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize