remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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