i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
