my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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