Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
