I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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