His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
