mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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