I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
