he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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