Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
