first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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