You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
