Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
