You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
