My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
