My girlfriend figured out who you are.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
