Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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