tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
